How am I doing?

by adridang

I did something wrong. I know it. I don’t know what I did, but something I did must have been wrong. She barely shakes her head, so subtly that no one in the room would ever notice, but me. I can feel her eyes. Her stare is so sharp and unmoving that it feels as if there are 2 lasers burning through my soul. And she continues to shake her head… so slowly. And then she looks the other direction, a feeling of utter annoyance lingering in the atmosphere.

He’s a little different. He’s a little bit more vocal about his disappointment. Usually it’s along the lines of , “Wow…” or, “Really? What are you doing?!” There’s a tinge of red in his face and his eyes get so wide it’s as if they’re popping out of his face. And then similarly to my mother, he shakes his head. And he looks away.

Possibly one of the worst feelings to endure has been the feeling of sheer disappointment from  my parents. It can come from anywhere; from grades to sports— it’s easy to disappoint. And with school year ending in less than months, along with an influx of stressed AP students cramming in all of their studying, along with the workload of their other classes, it’s a season of disappointment. We are all stressed about our grades, all worried about what our parents will think. All worried about pleasing our parents.

But why?

The best way to deal with such stress is to rationalize. Think about it… The only thing truly in our control is our effort. Our actual performance can be affected by effort or external factors, but it all leads back to effort. And that’s the only thing under our control. So if we don’t get our desired grade—so be it. That’s the best we can do. There are some things we cannot control. And the reason people stress so much over school is because they have trouble grasping that concept. Some things are out of our control.

There is a time when we will not have to constantly satisfy our parents with our accomplishments. We will not have to worry about disappointing them. And similarly, we will not be able to look to them for approval. There will be a day for every one of us. We will no longer have anyone to tell us how we’re doing. It’s weird to think about it right? Everything we have ever accomplished, everything we have ever been proud of has been authorized by those around us, and it’s usually our parents.

But now the measurement our accomplishments will be based on our personal evaluations of our effort. Not by what anyone else thinks. And maybe if we are successful in evaluating ourselves, we will all be at peace with our own efforts.